Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Back in Canada
"...and I'm not at all sure how I feel about that."

Location: My Own Desktop in my room in Calgary, Alberta, CANADA
Composition: Hastily and perhaps without any tact.

Previous Post: Bye Bye Boracay

After Boracay, I spent my last two weeks in the Philippines getting ready to come back here, in Canada.

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0tjXauveuDo/Us7fOxW3mPI/AAAAAAAAAr0/cEoMZa1rtRY/s1600/IMG_1613.JPGI landed in Calgary on time at around 1935hrs on the 14th of April, 2007.

It is around 0400 on the 17th of April as I write this; that means that I have spent around less than 57 hours in Calgary ever since AC220 set down that Saturday evening.

Perhaps 57 hours is too soon to say anything - I haven't gotten over the jet lag after all (hence the odd time that I am writing this).

Too, I haven't fully acclimatized to the temperatures that are barely above freezing by night, and barely above two digits (in celsius) by day. Oh yes, the weather is also very, very dry.

The relatively little amount of sunshine I've been getting is also quite bothersome. I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. I think. I filled out a questionnaire a long time ago, and yes, it says that I do; though I haven't seen a professional about that.
There too is the greenery, or the lack of it. Having just come back from the lush and green tropics, I was immediately thrust into dry, dull, and boring brown prairie. Right from the air it was visible, and right then and there it depressed me. The snow capped mountains were visible to the west (and are visible on the ground), but that offered little relief to the depressing view of seemingly dead, leafless deciduous trees that greeted me on the vehicle trip back.

So, maybe it's too premature to say it; the trees will get their green back, life will return to the prairies, and spring shall once again paint colour to this forlorn scape - also I will adjust my sleep patterns.

But I am not having a good time so far.

This is FUCKING DEPRESSING - and no, I am not editing and sugarcoating that statement to something more palatable. I say fuck because I feel like it... fuckfuckfuckityfuckfuck

This is more of a "SHOCK" than the culture shock I experienced during my first few hours, days, and weeks in the Philippines. What I'm experiencing right now is shock that drives people to suicide or a killing spree.

There were moments, where I thought I convinced myself that, "Yes, Calgary is a great place. I should be glad to be back."

But no, in general I don't feel that way. At all.

I am not really looking forward to anything. Not really wanting to settle to an old routine that I didn't really like. The old life I didn't want. And a future spent here, that I just can't see myself in...

Depressing, I know. But that's really, honestly how I feel right now.

Right now I'm even thinking, "This is a fucked up place and I don't understand why the fuck people live here... it's too cold and depressing. What the fuck am I doing here? Why the fuck did WE move here in the first place? And WHY the fuck did I come back? I was in the Philippines already. I hatethisIhatethisIhatethisIhatethisIhatethisPLACE!" Add to that an analysis of the foolishness of the Philippine exodus of professionals and why the fuck that country can never get its act together - because everyone capable of contributing LEAVES!

-All that is racing through my sleep deprived head right now.

I really thought I would be glad to be back.. but no. I really am NOT.

I also really thought that I had things figured out even before my trip was over. But, as I'm finding out right now, I don't. Good thing I didn't conclude things prematurely then.

Few things can give solace right now. And one of those things is not yet road worthy.

Maybe I should not have timed my comeback right at this very date? The sights, the sounds, the smells - the reminders are too much.

A relapse from ten years ago is not pretty.

Or maybe, I just need to sleep.

Next Post:  Got the Rhythm Back...?

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