T

Suicidal
Battling with Seasonal Affective Disorder*

or

Why I haven't been writing too much.


Location: My own depressing existence in Calgary, Alberta, CANADA

Composition: An offshoot of a post I made in some other private forum a week ago. Some parts are verbatim, some parts I tinkered with to suit this one person monologue of a blog.


I really should put into consideration the weather and the general year-round climate of a place if I were to pick somewhere to settle down. I am solar powered. Not having Sunshine does me a lot of damage.

Last year, I WAS NOT here, where I am right now in Calgary, and I had loads of fun. Hell, that's the whole point of this blog - that was the one event that spawned this medium I dub as a one man monologue. "Randy's Existential Trip" I call this, where I embark on a journey to find myself.

Still, because the likely available livelihood and the resulting realistically obtainable life comforts I could attain in the Philippines weren't likely to suit me, I didn't think it was a place where I could settle down, despite the tropical climate completely agreeing with me and all. Alberta ain't so bad, despite the winter, I thought. I'll give it another chance. Well, at least that's what I assumed at the time; having lived in First world Canada and thusly spoiled by her riches. Every day since however, I have been reviewing that position.

Hence the new tone you might have noticed. What tone?

The tone where I pit these two places as if this were a contest. Alberta, Canada and the Philippines vying for a place where Randy will choose to settle - or at least a place to live out a few decades. It is in this respect Alberta is failing. Bad. And it's all because of how I'm feeling right now.

Hopefully I'm not being emo. Emo kids are lame.

But these thoughts; how I'm feeling. So hard to turn away from. It's nagging, constantly there. Just fucking there.

I can't turn it off. It's less troubling than it is annoying. It's winter and I love winter driving. I usually would head out to slide and (since I drive a FWD beater this year, with the Lancer being sidelined) practice my rally style left foot braking at this time. And I have been doing so, with the hope that focusing on something would take my mind away from these nagging thoughts.

Yet, they don't.

Still there.

And no, "these thoughts" that I mention - they're not necessarily suicidal per se in that I wanna "off" myself.

But rather...

A general lack of enthusiasm for existing.

Sad? Oh man, I wish I were sad. Sad was Grade 10. Sad is juvenile. At least sad means things matter enough for you to care to be sad.

This on the other hand? Completely different. It's numb. It's as if nothing mattered enough to be the reason to exist. Being a guy who's secular, I have no arrogant beliefs I can draw from. No stockpile of trite and hackneyed spiritual cliches that give meaning and purpose to the life and existence of those feeble minded enough not to find one for their own.

And in case you feel like it, don't give me one, it'll just piss me off. I don't mean to offend anyone.

I'm a guy who lives for the moment. Moments whose purpose and meaning I have assigned myself.

Yet the moments I have right now, are barely worth living for - at least that's the rationale. Ok, so this summer when I had a lot of good weeks, every day didn't really amount to being good. SO what sustained me? The future - whether mere moments away or the decades ahead that I imagine.

Right now though, nothing. I either have no motivation to think about it at all, or have no imagination at this time.

It'd be great if I were just pessimistic. At least pessimism means I'm trying to imagine some kind of future different from the here and now.

Nothing physical, nothing emotional, and nothing traumatic at all is bothering me. And that's what's so troubling.

I just can't seem to stand not living every day where nothing stimulating happens. Something, anything at all would be nice. I guess it's my fault for not pursuing anything. But how can I pursue anything when I have no motivation at all. Not in this weather. Not without the Sun.





I'm sorry if this post is disjointed and largely pointless. It's a perfect reflection of how I'm feeling right now - disjointed and largely pointless. This too is the reason why I haven't been writing much. It's hard to be objective and true to your writing when you're not being true to yourself. And where you ask is myself? Gone in hibernation for the winter, as far as I could tell.

(28 Mar Update 2010) I'm not depressed in the medicated sense, and even if I were I wouldn't be because I am anti big pharma. That shit'll fuck you up.